On May 7, 2014
Brad and I lost our first child at 13 ½ weeks.
We had talked
about names and we were choosing paint colors for the baby’s room so we could paint over my summer break. I spent
countless hours on Pinterest looking at nursery décor ideas. I followed my baby’s growth every week,
wondering what those little fingers and toes would feel like once I held my
little one. But I never did. Those plans and dreams fell empty and
lifeless. My heart was shattered. My dreams of having a child, THIS child, were
lying in scattered shards around me. To
say I was brokenhearted does not begin to describe the pain. I was smothered with grief, my heart feeling heavy
and my lungs deflated. My throat would
close and feel so tight that I was sure even air could not pass through. There were tears. No.
Not just tears. There were waterfalls
that cascaded down my face. And as
quickly as the tears fell, the rest of the world seemed to move in slow
motion.
I have a few
memories from the hospital. Pain. I have experienced physical pain and
emotional pain, but never at the same time.
It was . There is no word for this kind of pain. There is no word that can describe the loss of
a child. Brad. His face. And fear. The feel of his hands gripping mine. His tears flowing with mine. Broken, but STRONG somehow. Laughter.
My husband made me laugh later that night. In the
midst of one of the lowest moments in all of my life, my husband not only made
me smile, he made me laugh. Hope. And, LOVE.
So much love.
In the
darkest moments of my life, there was light.
Bright, blinding light. Because of
hope. Because of unending, unconditional
love. Because of Christ. In every fearful and terrifying moment, He
was THERE and I was covered by His grace.
WE were covered by His grace. He
filled my heart with hope when I heard my own laughter among all the pain. He used my husband to reveal that hope. And there was peace that when everything felt
(and still sometimes feels) out of control.
Because He is in control. He has
designed my life to be one of beauty, even in the brokenness. Our sweet Jesus has good plans for us and,
even in the tears, we are filled with hope that He will bless us with more children
one day. I still think about our
first baby. Every. Day. There is still pain. Every. Day.
There are still waterfalls.
Every. Day. But there is
GRACE. Every Day. And there is HOPE. Always.
Because there is the merciful love of CHRIST.
