What I Know

So, I have taken quite a hiatus from blogging seeing that nearly three years have passed since my last post.  My current motivation to blog is no doubt a need to give my thoughts and reflections a voice, to ease the downpour of emotions that have been accosting me these last several months.  To that end, I write...

The past several months have been filled with more life changes than I could have ever anticipated or imagined.  Or even prepared for.  To establish a starting point, my dad passed away unexpectedly on January 24.  I will never forget the phone call from Brad at work telling me that my dad had been found unconscious and that I needed to come home.  Then, there was a second conversation as I was driving home.  I remember being told to pull over.  And I knew.  I knew what he was going to say.  In that one infinitely small moment in time, I knew I would never hear my dad's voice or hug my dad's neck again.  I knew my dad would never walk me down the aisle.  I knew my dad would never tear up as he gave me away.  I knew my dad would never dance with me at my wedding reception. I knew my children would never meet their grandfather.  I knew.  Before Brad said it, I knew.  In that same infinitely small moment in time, I also knew that the Lord would carry me.  He would pick me up in one of my weakest moments and He would carry me.  He would carry my mom and my brother.  He would carry my sister-in-law and my nephews.  He would carry my (then) fiance and our family through one of the most difficult times in our lives.  He would carry us because He said He would.  And, He did.  He is still carrying us, day to day and hour to hour, He carries us.

Memories fall down suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere and catch me unaware.  I remember my dad taking me to Stone Mountain every July 3 for my birthday, sitting beside me the first time I rode on a roller coaster, teaching me to ride a bike, and buying me cotton candy every time we went to a Braves game in Atlanta.  I remember him reading Tom Clancy books for hours and how he got sucked into watching the Gilmore Girls with my mom and me.  I remember watching countless CSI, NCIS, and JAG episodes with him and taking turns solving the crime.  I remember how difficult it was for him to let me go when I graduated from college and wanted to move to Austin, Texas.  So many memories.

I have shed so many tears over the loss of my dad...mostly behind closed doors, even away from my husband and my mom.  I try to be strong, to move forward, but there are some days when I feel like it's everything I can do to hold the shards of my broken self together.  Most of the time I cry when my mind has time to wander and reminisce.  Then, the emotions ease, the sadness wanes, and the tears dry and I remember to focus on what I know.  I KNOW the Lord has a plan.  I KNOW His plan is perfect. I KNOW He loves me and has good things for me.  I KNOW He will carry me and hold me together when the fragile parts of me start to fall apart.  I KNOW He is faithful and constant when everything around me changes.  I KNOW He will use this time to teach me, to deepen my faith, and if I am honored enough, to use my jagged story to touch another.  To that end, I write...